dragonfly

Well I did what I had to do…it might sound petty but I ignored the text messages and deleted him from myspace.  After my last post and hearing the few comments people left…I did not need this guy in my life whether it was as a friend or more.  I guess I liked the attention and sweet comments he started off with but the last week or 2 has been really off.  He’d apologize when he thought I was mad but we hardly talked on the phone.  It was mostly text messages.  Come on now…I don’t mind the sweet “I miss you” or “How’s your day” text but its a phone why can’t you call me on it?  It was hard to do but I really do realize that I deserve better…like I said earlier whether it be a friend or more I deserve so much more.  So thanks to you who gave me the encouraging words…I love you all.

I’m just feeling a little on the down side…I started talking to a friend about a month ago.  We tried dating about 3 years ago and he mysteriously just disappeared…since than we have talked here and there.  We recently started hanging out again about a month ago.  He said he was very sorry for what he had done and hoped I would forgive him.  He said the reason he did leave and not say anything was because he was heading down the wrong road…he was hanging out with the wrong crowd including a few family members and started using drugs and drinking all the time.  He also said he didn’t want to take me down that road with him…I am definitely greatful for that.  We hung out one night and he told me how much he missed me and how he regrets what happened between us.  He told his mom that I was the girl he loved and would marry one day.  I know its just talk…especially since we’ve only been back talking for a month.

 Well…he has been clean since December….I know not that long ago…he asked me to help check him into a hospital so he could be transferred to a rehab to deal with his problems.  Well I did…he was admitted but was only in rehab for a week until he was exspelled from the program for walking to a convenient store for cigarettes.  He broke a rule and they let him go.  Since he’s been home we have spent a lot of time together either at his moms house or my parents house.  I told him if he stayed clean I would be here for him.  We seem to be quite close…kissing when we see each other but nothing past that for right now.  He wants to see where the future leads us…but not definite if he wants to be serious.  Well he is very…caring…charming…sweet…fun…and a great kisser which makes it even better….and I would love for it to be more….I know I have to be careful especially since it hasn’t been too long since his last use…I hope he’s being honest with me.

Whats really been bugging me is he’s been working a lot lately…I know he’s tired cause its physical labor…installing floors.  Well last week for my birthday he was supposes to take me out to dinner and a movie…he had texted me and phoned me all day.  At 4pm he said he has one last job to do…7 rolls around…7:30 rolls around…I’ve texted him and called him no answer.  Finally I get a text he’s still there and doesn’t know what time he’ll be home.  So I went out anyway…thank god for best friends.  Well I finally get a message the next day and he said he was so sorry he would make it up to me this past Saturday.  Well I wait all day again…he worked Saturday again…which sucks.  Well he texted me and phones again all day so I feel like he is interested in seeing me…he says he wants to go out for a drink when he gets off….he’ll call me when he gets home.  So I get a text that he’s getting on the metro and he’ll call me soon.  No phone call….I wait til 5pm today and Itext him “Are you alive?”  I get a message back saying good morning.  He said he went home and went right to sleep last night and didn’t wake up til I texted him this afternoon.  Part of me doubts it…he says he’s not feeling well.  If I’m already having doubts about him and what he is doing…I guess that is a good sign I need to cut it off now.  Just be friends and stop trying to pursue anything else.  I hate feeling this way…but he is such a good guy when he wants to be.  I guess I’m just pissed since 2 weekends in a row he wants to do something and the plans get ruined.  Ahhhhhhhhh!  I’m so sick of men sometimes…not all of you just some of you…LOL

 Sorry to write all this down but I needed to vent and have no way to do that tonight…not in the mood to talk to someone on the phone and definitely don’t need my parents knowing his past…they would look down on him.

I know it will get better…I just need to meet someone nice but don’t go anywhere to meet them.  Oh well…one day my prince will come.

Well its been a while since I last posted….I’m just so excited and wanted to share with everyone.  I finally hit the single digit 200’s.  I have not been this small in at least 4 years.  I don’t know what to do with myself…I feel a happy dance coming on…shake…shake…shake…lol!  I am so thankful for both my buddies here and at my weight watchers meetings…with out you all it would have been much more of a struggle.  I look forward to the upcoming future here I come 145…I know I can do this.  I have a gorgeous dress hanging in my room on the closet door…I look at it every day and tell myself that is what I want to wear, that is where I’m going to be.  I bought it quite a few years ago and almost fit in it then and the next thing I know I ballooned up and couldn’t even get it over my hips…never wore it but I will.

 I’ve tried so many different weigh loss techniques…diet pills…drinks…pills again…south beach…puking(not a good thing)…the weight always came back.  I know I still don’t eat the greatest but I have changed my habits quite a bit.  I do try to get more water and veggies in and not eat out all the time.  I’m proud of myself for the accomplishments I have made….and will continue to make.  I do need to get in the exercising habit though…I know I could get a lot more off if I would do that.

 At weight watchers they have asked us the last couple weeks how we want to end the year?  Well I want to be smaller and healthier…I want to get this weight off and never see it again.  I’m shooting for being under 200 by January 1st…cross your fingers for me. 

Again thank you all for your motivation and support through my long journey…you gals and guys are great!!!!  I love you all!!!

 SMOOCHES!!!!

Let me start by saying I was brought up as a Catholic.  I went to Catholic school for 8yrs which my mom and dad paid several thousand dollars for.  I attended mass every Friday at school and on Sundays with my family.  In my high school years I went to a public school but still continued to go to church most Sundays with my mom and siblings.  As I got older I refused to go except on special occasions….Christmas…Easter…baptisms…you get the picture.  I finally all together just quit going.  I was mad with God…I hated him (I know thats harsh to say), but I did.  I hated him for so many reasons…I didn’t know how he could let soooo many things happen to me if he was supposed to be so great.  I was sure he (GOD) had it out for me.  I went through a 7yr relationship with a guy that beat me….I had a broken nose, black eyes, bruises everywhere, I even jumped out of the car one night while he was doing about 45 down the road.  The guy I was with was a horrible person…he tore me down so far I couldn’t even think of being without him.  He told me I was fat and ugly and no one would want me ever…that I was lucky to have him.  After I finally got the courage to break it off…I found myself dating guys that weren’t the best…most of them were drunks or just down right rotten. Over the years I had also had my share of female problems…cysts…endomitriosis(spelling)…dysplasia (step right before cervical cancer) and last but not least a tubal pregnancy(that could have killed me)…I ended up getting one of my tubes removed.  I was told by the doctor I could still have children…but it would be very hard for me to conceive.  I tried to get pregnant with a guy I was with for 4 years and nothing ever happened.  I ended up becoming an alcoholic because I was sooooo depressed about everything…one night I tried to commit suicide and that was it.  I ended up going the psych ward for 4 days for detox…than going to classes for months after that.  I stayed completely sober for 2yrs.  The guy and I broke up and my world fell a part once again…I started drinking and ruining myself. Finally in 2007 I met another jerk…this one was a real winner.  The only good thing is I got my miracle baby out of it.  I found out in Dec. 2007 that I was pregnant with Lily. I ended up breaking up with the sperm donor…because I found out he was married….great job!!!  From that day forward I promised myself I would pray every night…I would ask God for forgiveness for the nasty and hateful things I said about him.  I felt so much better after doing this…when people say the power of prayer really helps it does.  I was amazed.  July 11th my beautiful little girl blessed me with her appearance….it was a month early, but I told myself God knows what he is doing.  He is not doing this to me on purpose…there is a reason…the umbilical cord was weak…she had it wrapped around her neck on the way out and it was so tight that it busted in two.  The doctor said if Lily would have stayed in that the cord could have done the same thing inside and they would not have been able to do anyting to save her.  She is my miracle and my reason for living.

 Sorry….got off the subject a little…well today I called the church up and asked exactly what I have to do to get Lily baptized…I was very frustrated with their answer.  They said I would have to register at the church and make sure I am there every week for 6 months.  That would have been fine with me…but here is where I get aggrivated.  I asked how do I register…the Father said you pick up a form in the back of the church…once you register they will send envelopes to you.  I said okay and hung up…these envelopes are for the donations…which I have no problem giving but you have to meet a certain quota every month.  This really gets my goat…I am a single mom with bills…I have a suck butt job where I make $13 hr…I can’t even afford to get my own place much less support the church.  I really feel betrayed…aren’t churches supposed to be there to help people not turn them away.  I understand they need  money to run also, but it shouldn’t be demanded all the time.  I guess I’ve ranted and raved enough….sorry to write so much just in one of my mooods tonight…ugh!

 Sorry also if I offended anyone…this wasn’t meant to.  I just needed to get this off my chest.

Hey guys and gals…if your interested in being in one of the greatest groups on this site…you should join ROCKSTARS.  We are located on the forum board and we have a wonderful supportive family on there.  If you need motivation…we can help…if you need somewhere to get things off your chest…we are there to listen…if you need a smile we provide many of those also.

We have wonderful discussions that people come up with…we’ve actually did a bio section about all of us…its very interesting to read.  Recently we discussed concerts we have/want to go to, what our ideal body would be and what is your skinny fantasy?  I love being a ROCKSTAR…its so much fun. 

If your interested get on the forums and just scan down and look for Rockstars 19 that is the week we’re starting now…we look forward to seeing you on there.  Believe me you won’t regret it.

 Smooches too all!  Have a skinny week!

I got this from a weight watchers meeting I went to and thougt I’d share it with you all…it makes you think of losing weight a little differently.

 Do you know me?

If you don’t you should.  I am a pound of fat.

And I’m the happiest pound of fat that you would ever want to meet.

Want to know why?

It’s because no one ever wants to lose me.

I’m only one pound, just a pound of fat!

Every one wants to lose 3, 5, 10, 15 pounds, but never only one pound.

So I just stick around and happily keep you fat.

Then, I add to myself ever so slyly, so that you never seem to notice it,

That is, until I’ve grown to 10, 20, 30 or even more pounds in weight.

Yes, its fun being just a pound of fat, left to do as I please.

So when you weigh in, keep right on saying, “Oh, I only lost one pound.”

(As if that was such a terrible thing).

For you see, if you do this, you’ll encourage your fellow members to keep

me around because they’ll think I’m not worth losing.  And, I love being

around you, your arms, legs, chin, hips, thighs and every part of your body.

For you see “I’m Only One Pound.”

I hope this makes you think like I have after I read it….no matter what it is that you have lost…it is lost!  Whether it be less than a pound or more…you are on your way to getting yourself together.  Have a positive outlook on what you are trying to do and it will turn out for the best.  Good luck ot all my buddy slim family!

Woohoo!  I didn’t do as bad as I thought I did.  I’ve had a horrible week with sticking to the weight watchers program…and I still lost.  It was only .8 but it was something…this week is a new week and I’ve made a promise to myself I will do so much better.  I can do it…I have to have that attitude or I won’t make it.  I feel like the train that could…lol  I know I can…I know I can…I know I can.  * toot * toot *  Thanks so much for all your support and words of encouragement…it really helps me get thru the tough times.  You all are great.

I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me…I’ve been doing really well with following my weight watchers program.  This week has been hell though…I’ve been eating all kinds of junk.  I keep telling myself I need to stop but I don’t.  I need to fight these urges…don’t know how right now though.  I’m so aggravated with myself…I’ve lost 17lbs so far and I should be so happy with the weight that I’ve lost at least it shows I can do it.  Sorry to complain I just need to get this off my chest. 

I know we all have set back sometimes but I get so frustrated.  Than when you have family/friends telling you you’ve done so well why are you eating that…it just frustrates me more and I want to go against what they say.  I guess I’m still upset because I haven’t found a job…nothing seems to be working out lately.  I guess this is enough complaining for now…thanks for listening.

I’ve been on weight watchers going on 7 weeks…I think…lol  I’ve lost a toal of 12.4lbs so far and atleast 9 inches total.  I didn’t have my measurements done in the beginning.  Oh well I’ll take whatever I can get.  This week has been a little difficult because one or two days I’m supposed to eat nothing but this vegetable soup…ugh  It doesn’t taste bad but goodness how much soup can I eat…lol  Only 2 more meals to go and I’ll be finished with day 2.  I really enjoy using the weight watchers point system…its kinda fun.  And like they say you don’t think of yourself being on a diet its a program.  The meetings also help instead of trying to take it on by yourself…sometimes you need a little push to make it through.

 I’d also like to thank all my buddies on here that have been so supportive…especially in this hard that I’m having.  Thanks again and much love to everyone.

I know this has nothing to do with weight loss or anything but I could really use a favor from everyone who reads this…near and far.

 I have entered my 10 month old daughter Lillian into a Baby Idol contest on a local radio station in Maryland.  I need everyone to vote for her so that we can move on to the next round.  1st place is $5000 and 2nd place is $1500 worth of baby merchandise.  Either would be great for her and I since I have been laid off from my job since February…ugh! 

 All you have to do is go to www.hot995.com

Keyword - Baby Idol

Register your email address and than vote

 LILLIAN - Forestville

I’ll let you all know how she does…Monday May 19th they will be narrowing down the baby pics to 50 and voting will continue til there are only 2 little ones left.

I would be so greatful for anyone who can do this for us.  Thanks so much and have a great week. 

 Love to All

 Jinni and Lillian